HOUSE SPIDERS ARE NOT YOUR ENEMY (Experimental text)

This is a fictitious manifesto. In creating this, I tried to bring myself to feel passionate and also visualise a spider writing the text. My intention leaned more towards hyperbolic and ‘over-the-top’ humour, while also speaking my true beliefs and feelings towards the text’s subject matter. 

I was first influenced by the Vorticist’s manifesto (in BLAST!), specifically in the more visceral, excessive and radical tone and style. I thought this made way for adding humour to my text. I was also influenced  by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o’s On the Abolition of the English Department, particularly in terms of structure. I wanted the text to be easy to read and straightforward in this respect.

(Another note: You'll notice I say "Earth's 'West'". I say that because I'm pretty sure there are other places where spiders aren't THAT stigmatised, and I've grown up mostly in suburban Australia where, yes, there is a good chunk of people who are squeemish about spiders. I dunno, haha.)

1. The current reputation that house spiders have in the cultures of Earth’s ‘West’ is flawed
• These common arachnidian Earthlings, found dwelling in the homes of human beings, face an unfortunately great amount stigmatisation
• A single spider is too often wished, by a human being, to plummet into as many circles of hell as the number of legs on its body, 
• Or be crushed and flattened by a force a million more times than it is capable of counting
• Spiders do not deserve such a cruel reputation
• The main point:
  These house spiders are terribly misunderstood
2.  At the sight of a house spider, the immediate response from a human is often “KILL IT!”
• A spider crawls on a domestic floor, venturing from its dark and cosy lodging 
• Or another finds its happy new home between three white corners, with a scenic view of a messy human lounging space
• Perhaps, one more fit for the fresh outdoors has constructed its kept net beneath the foot of a roof that peeks over the front of a human’s house
• No matter the situation, it is common for there to be either a terrified human being who calls for:
1.  the eight-legged creature’s execution, or 
2. another human being summoned to be its executioner, who, whether willingly or indifferently, takes on the occupation with a lethal weapon of their, or their summoner’s, choice
• These are the images that house spiders are often associated with, by human beings:
1. Repulsive individuals, even to those who lack arachnophobia
2. One deserving of the ‘shoe’
3. One deserving of the ‘spray’
4. “Fair game”
5. Neighbours of the devil
6. A mortal enemy to humanity
• All of the above is downright false and must be corrected
3. NOW THINK: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”
• It is very often that a person who despises spiders also despises the common house cockroach
• A person who despises spiders may also despise the following other house pests:
1. The ant
2. The earwig
3. The house fly
4. The moth
5. The millipede
6. Other spiders
7. Many others not here mentioned
• Spiders that you may find inside of, or near, your home are capable of proving to be worthy of humanity’s respect
• A house spider that you might consider eliminating may have a selection of the listed pests above as part of their humble diet
• Therefore, humans must THINK: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”
• And your other enemies will soon be no more
4. It is often easy to forget that these spiders, while they capture and devour countless other animals in their lifetimes, can also fall victim to nature’s merciless food chain
• They are small, and therefore are afraid of anything that is giant and alive
1. Often, at the presence of a predator much larger and much mightier, to retreat – to hide away and cower – is their utmost goal
2. To them, you are a monumental bipedal beast, you are a great giant who marches across the vast, inconceivable grounds where survival is slim
• These spiders are not malicious, they are not boisterously violent creatures
1. You are not their prey
2. Spiders who are venomous reserve their toxins to immobilise or liquefy their cherished meals, and will not waste such precious power on another animal so large
• If there is no place safe for the house spider to seek refuge, and if poked enough with a menacing presence, it is only then that they will resort to that fearful bite
• So as long as they believe a human being is nothing more than a another piece of the earth, they are not afraid and will do nothing
5. The main solution to keeping our friendly house spiders alive, and to keeping humans unbothered by their mere presence: ATTITUDE
• Humans, particularly from the Earth’s ‘West’, must see that house spiders are not as terrible as they believe
• At the sight of a house spider, the response should not immediately be fixed on “KILL IT!”
• At the thought of a house spider, a human should know how one may aid them
6. Solution, continued: YOU
• If you are not bothered by the house spider, leave it alone and think about your attitude
• If you are bothered by the spider, relocation is the key
• If the spider’s ancestors have evolved alongside yours, the outside is death
1. Instead, find the spider a space where neither of you will bother each other (for instance, your shed or garage)
2. Your octopedal guest will enjoy the comfort of a dark space, somewhere you won’t ever have to see its face ever again 
• RELOCATION: FOR ARACHNOPHOBES
1. If you are arachnophobic, you are not an exception
2. Have a friend follow the same advice as above
3. However, if you, an arachnophobe, can only truly find yourself a good night’s sleep so as long as the spider is dead, then have a friend sneak the spider into the house of your enemy, or your next-door neighbour
4. Other than than, there is no more advice